Sad Part?
Know what the sad part is? I REALLY like the new closing layout.
LOL!!!
Triomphe
Here’s a pic from this evening!
Today my brother’s “friend” came over and was talking about her coffee shop job, and how she worked a crap ton of hours last week. I said jokingly, DUDE I’ll come help ya if you pay me.
And so she said she’d get me a job. lol.
Even if it falls through, the amazing thing was just how I FELT by having the possibility of a job. Just the possibility. It’s like a light turned on and I stopped walking through my daily haze. I could have purpose?! Amazing how things like that work.
Some cool things have happened since my last entry. I might FINALLY be getting a new car. A new old car. My sister’s old 99 Buick Century, which she takes meticulous care of. It has a badass stereo system, remote car start, and is very clean. No stains. Practically brand new. Plus my sister has put a lot of money into the thing. Needless to say, even though it’s 9 years old I would treat it like a baby if I got it. Seriously internets, I love my sister.
Not only that, but she might let me have her spare bed in her spare room. Now THAT would kick butt. None of the mattresses here at home work well with my back. Did I mention I love my sister? If I get this job I might *so* make a point to come visit her weekly and clean her house lol. She offered me the job at the beginning of the summer but I realized it would cost more in gas to get there than she would pay me. It’s a deterrent in obnoxious ways.
I’ve spent the past two days learning French nonstop with the DS’s “My French Coach” game. The game is really lacking but there’s no better way to learn noob vocabulary. So far? I’ve covered numbers, days of the week, months, seasons, moods, family members, weather, and questions. Plus some other stuff I don’t remember. It’s going pretty well!
So that’s what’s new. A possible job, a new used car, a new used bed, and French. Things are shaping up. Plus I flirted with Corey a LOT today, we were on the phone for like three hours. It turns out, he really loves talking to me for super long periods of time. lol. My mom’s phone has unlimited minutes but we’ve already used up like 1400 of my cell minutes on the other one. Crazy, right? So we’re using her phone from now on and he felt the need to talk to me forever with the newfound freedom. HEART that boy!
I Can Haz Health?
So, the “hangover,” or what I thought was one, hasn’t gone away. I started getting a headache about an hour after drinking some Mike’s Hard Lime Wednesday night. Now it’s Friday night. Headache is NOT GONE.
It comes and goes. I thought it was my contacts, so I took those out. No go. I thought I was dehydrated, so I downed a bunch of H20. No go. I got a little exercise, thinking maybe it’s because I haven’t been out enough. Nuh uh.
It’s this sharp pounding headache, most harsh in the morning. Unexplained. All I really have to say is, eff you, headache, and your migraine qualities. I’m a bit sensitive to light with this headache, and it’s mostly on the left side. The only thing I can think of now is allergies, but my environment hasn’t really changed to my knowledge.
I can NOT has three-day headaches? ktnxbai.
That, plus my original health issue that I won’t discuss here (definitely not related to the headaches), and then my wrists giving me issues, it’s just one thing. After another. These headaches started up not soon after the knee pain.
WTF are you telling me, body? Tomorrow we go shopping, WHEE! I need to get out of this house. It’s a recipe for blah and ugh here.
Oh, I killed a spider earlier and felt really bad about it. I tried to trap it inside a candle, but I ended up missing and severing three of its legs. Then I felt super bad for it lol. But you can’t just let it go after you break all its legs off! I guess I shouldn’t feel bad, since it DID scare the crap out of me. All I saw was giant black thing on the couch and thought it was a black widow at first. I’ll just tell myself it was a brown recluse to make me feel better about killing it.
Except it doesn’t, because that would mean there are more in the house.
Why do I feel sympathy for those things anyway? 
Suxorz
So, I suck at the alcohol thing. Yesterday I had two (count’em, TWO) Mike’s Hard Lime drinks… And I had a headache for a good day afterward.
Again, the dehydration probably has a lot to do with it, but a person shouldn’t feel hungover from two beverages. Wow. I’m a lightweight.
Not much is new lately. At least, nothing that isn’t TMI. So yeh, I won’t go into that. Today was a really nice day off. With my family visiting and all of the cleaning, cooking, planning, it has been ugh since last Wednesday. Really ugh. I’ve taken on a lot of my Mom’s responsibility this year to ease it for her, and well, let’s just say I’m glad I don’t do her job.
It’s been more relaxed this year for sure, but since I feel like I’m carrying the load it’s SO much harder.
35 Days until FRANCE OMG!! 
ETA - OMG I broke 1000 posts here on the site! I’m surprised it wasn’t earlier, since it’s been six years and all, but WOW! Technically I’ve deleted a bunch and the number doesn’t reflect the actual number here now, but I’ve at least started that many. Heh.
Alcohol Reveals
I’ve come to a new conclusion about alcohol and how it affects my life. I don’t really like it much. Some things taste good, but in the end I don’t like poisoning myself much. It probably doesn’t help that my body is incapable of being intoxicated. I barf first.
So I haven’t really gotten “smashed” ever so much as tipsy.
Being 21 for these past five days I realized that the fact that, “alcohol lowers inhibitions” includes emotions that range beyond anger, sadness, and absolute joy. A lot of people avoid drinking because their inhibitions include their anger and deep depressions. This week I realized that I inhibit anxiety.
I mean, it’s right in front of my face. Duh, yeah, I am an anxious person and I spend my life discovering new techniques to control it. At several points I wondered if I had an anxiety disorder, and I still think it’s a possibility. But I have good control over it and I can count my panic attacks on my fingers. I’ve only ever hyperventilated twice.
Anyway, as I was drinking that familiar feeling in my gut came back. The anxiety. My anxiety comes with nausea, and alcohol comes with nausea too. It’s another chicken-or-the-egg situation. Either way, I don’t like anxiety, and I don’t like nausea either. Feeling nauseated is about my least favorite thing. Next to anxiety.
So I don’t think I’ll be a big drinker in the future. There are other behaviors that I inhibit toward the public. I inhibit my carefree nature, and I inhibit public acts of singing. I am a singing drunk. Really I’m a pretty damn pleasant drunk if it wasn’t for the anxiety.
So there we have it. Those are my inhibitions. I’m not too great at hiding them anyway, what with the random song-and-dance and inevitable anxiety, but it’s good to know. It’s good to know what you’re like without your behavior in check.
Exhaust
I am so tired, seriously. Wednesday I drove two hours to the airport, an hour to the lake, and then spent the night in my brother’s apartment. Thursday (MY BDAY!) got up early, drove the hour and a half home, and took a nap. Then when my brother got done from work he drove another two hours to my sister’s place. This morning? Another hour drive back to my brother’s place!
TOO much driving. Ugh.
But my birthday was phenomenal! I had a birthday breakfast with my uncles and cousin, which was delicious. I didn’t really eat lunch so I was starving by the time we hit Olive Garden for dinner. My sister, brother, and brother-in-law were there and we had a BLAST, seriously.
There was this couple sitting at the table next to us, and they didn’t say a word their entire dinner. We made guesses later that the guy must have forgotten their anniversary and decided to take her to Olive Garden to make up for it. They didn’t look pissed though, just bored, and kept LISTENING to our convo. Weird. Maybe it was just an awkward first date.
Anyway, afterward we had champagne at my sister’s house and spent the night. It wasn’t too eventful, and I avoided getting plastered. 
Which made it SO nice. I hadn’t drank since my stomach problems last year, so I wanted to take things slow and see how my body reacted. It was good though, and I got three birthday phone calls from Corey! He called me at midnight, and then the afternoon of my birthday, and again that night. I felt so special. 
It’s good to be 21! The guys are out golfing now, so I’ve just been lounging like a bum. It’s high time for some lunch though. I hope everyone is doing well!
6 Monthary
Happy six-month anniversary, m’love!! Yeah, technically we first kissed on the morning of the eleventh of December, but, we decided it was more like the evening of the tenth. That was the BEST finals week in the history of man. And the best four days I can remember. And the best six months following.
I love you!!!!!!
Sars
P.S. Don’t forget my birthday in two days!!! 21st wahoo!
Happier Note
I was thinking about Corey today and the way I’m so open with him. I’ve found someone SO incredibly amazing that I want to tell him everything. I want to share all of my excitement with him. My excitement for life, for photography, for classes, for space exploration. For Chips Ahoy, and ice cream, and puppies. I feel like sharing everything, lol.
I also thought about why we seem to mesh so well. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I am irrationally nervous and worrisome. Almost to the point where it’s detrimental to my life, but not quite. I have it under control. My mind is always everywhere, unfocused and uncertain. But with him I feel like everything is a little more grounded. It’s like everything clicks and makes sense all of the sudden.
For a while I wondered where my worries were. I thought maybe I was placing my worries on him, or sharing them. But no, they’re genuinely just… gone. When I talk to him on the phone I feel like I have clarity all over again. It’s like being enlightened or something. My priorities are straight, my ridiculous brain stops meandering everywhere. The what ifs and the whys melt away.
A prof of mine went off one day about how philosophy frees you from the need for answers, and makes you realize you don’t have all of them and that’s okay. I wish they’d told me this in intro. Everyone goes into philosophy thinking they’ll learn the meaning of life, and think afterward that it’s their goal to seek it. But in the end you come to a very Buddhist conclusion that a lot of these things aren’t worth worrying about if you just can’t solve them.
That doesn’t make them bad questions, or pointless questions to think about. It’s more like you’re studying the extent of human knowledge, and finding where the boundaries are. And yes, there will always be boundaries. Knowledge is not limitless like we’re taught from grade school. Only in some ways. Like, the acquisition of knowledge is limitless. But the boundaries of what we’ll know about are there.
I have no idea where this went from the original topic. Anyway, I’ve come to be more at peace with the types of things I worry about. The things that kind of start creeping in on you when you’re lonely or bored. I’m not saying Corey is my meaning in life (being able to say that seems like it would be an unhealthy dependence), but something about him reminds me of my goals and my own meanings. The real ones, not the contemplative ones. The ones that make me feel happy and genuine. Down-to-Earth, instead of neurotic and worried.
I have a weird mind. And it’s good to be in love.
Animal Abusers: Please Die
Really the subject says it all. I was reading Elyse’s latest post and it brought back memories of an episode of Animal Cops I watched last semester.
Some guy was seen hitting his puppy. A yellow lab puppy. And the neighbors called it in.
When they went to investigate, the puppy was dead. Now, seeing the dog dead didn’t affect me nearly as much as knowing what had happened to him, and the neighbor’s descriptions of what they had seen and heard. And seeing him dead didn’t affect me nearly as much as the blood on the wall behind him. He was probably three months old.
I spent a good two hours absolutely distraught. Then I had another round of crying when Corey got back from class. He had to take my mind off of it because things like that seriously affect me. That’s why I don’t watch those shows normally.
So, here’s my note to animal abusers of the world. You can replace animals with children for the child abusers:
I’m sorry that your penis is too small, or that your daddy didn’t care about you. I’m sorry you were neglected as a child and ate too much lead paint. I assume there is some horrible story you can tell to explain your behavior, because you have to be pretty damn screwed up to stoop to a level so low. Your actions are nothing short of sick, nauseating, evil, and disgusting, and clearly exhibit a completely childish need for power and control. Good job taking out your personal issues on an innocent, defenseless creature full of love and affection. You’re fucking powerful now. Good job. Congratulations for killing puppies.
Drop dead, quickly. Your soul is made of hatred, and you have no value as a human being.
Me.
Hopes for Fulfilled Promises: Health Care and Transport
Last semester I gave a speech on health care in the US. I couldn’t introduce a policy, so I stuck to just informing the class on the problems with the system in place. The numbers I found were staggering. When my republican friends (there are many) ask me about my stance on the issue, I don’t even have to blink an eye to have a legitimate story to tell.
My parents have finally gotten health insurance down to a manageable sum of close to $600 per month. Last summer we were forced to switch companies because ours was going to exceed $800. I did the calculations, and in the past seven years we have given out INSANE amounts of money to insurance companies. Nearly, if not exceeding, $50,000. They have covered my brother’s diabetic expenses, and, well, that’s about it.
Between at least four trips to the emergency room for my mom (really I lost count), odd procedures because of her uterine situation, and the birth of my sister, I know we have paid enough for a HOUSE for our own health. Out-of-pocket. Yes. We are being punished because we found out about her health problems while our family was down-and-out to the point where we couldn’t pay for insurance. Kicked while we were down.
The point of an insurance company is to take your $50,000, put it in their pockets, and flip you off in any ways they possibly can. ANY ways they possibly can. And by that, I mean, they’ll go to the ends of the Earth to suck you dry. Sounds like a great system. And of course, the reason that her health is so bad is that she feels guilty about the price. She won’t admit it, but she refuses surgery and hits the emergency room instead because she knows we’d have to pay for it again. Any idea how much surgery costs out-of-pocket? Yeah. It’s like taking out a mortgage for your life.
I’m an idealist. I think in terms of the structure of policies and the values they instill. Our health care system does not value health. It values money. And there are problems with that. I don’t even care about the alternatives as long as there is a change in this poisonous mentality.
On to my second rant. Oil and gas prices. First question: WHO didn’t see this coming? Second question: WHY didn’t you do anything about it? *ahem* I have very little sympathy. Honestly. None, really. We’re a country that devalues public transportation systems. We made sure there was “no market” for electric cars when they were introduced prior to 2000. Cars that would be charged in our garages for the morning commute, and had just come out with new battery technology to go 500 miles on a single charge. Energy that would come from American jobs. Sure it’s not green, but it’s American coal.
What this comes down to for me is idiocy, really. I won’t sit at the pump and cringe at the price tag. Maybe I’m different because I’ve lived my life knowing that oil was a stupid resource to depend on. I understood this as a seven-year-old. Probably the day I found out we were getting most oil from places other than Wyoming. It’s not rocket science.
These are two reasons why I support Obama. First, his mentality matches mine to a tee. There are big ideological changes that need to be made, and he’s promising to make them. My support is based on hope, which is a word that he tosses around like it’s a picnic salad. But really, that’s what it is. I hope the American people can turn around and see what’s right in front of them. I hope we can stop being stupid. I hope I can be a much more proud American with the changes we can make. I hope people can live their lives with LIFE as the core value, not money. I hope we can persuade the automotive industry to make CONSUMER-DRIVEN decisions, rather than oil-industry-based decisions.
Part of why I so trust the guy is that he isn’t taking money from lobbyists and the like. Every time I see a politician, I wonder who’s giving him his money. Because every politician panders to the corporations that back them. To their sugar daddies. And I will forever have a problem with that.
Here’s to hoping.
Wasting Good Time
So, I’ve found I spend a lot of time learning about how not to waste time. Instead of actually going out and finding a job, I tried to do it by staying here at home. Instead of actually organizing crap, I read about how to organize.
It’s really funny that I do this. Sometimes I get motivated enough to actually do something, but usually not.
I’m a weird egg, I’ve decided. I feel super guilty for not having a job to pay off my trip to France. But I need to live my life on my own terms. So, I’ve been doing odd things around the house that I notice need to be done. Like cleaning up, cooking, doing general housework. Then, my parents don’t notice. Which is normal for them. But they still yell at me for being a bum. All because I refuse yard mowing.
I think it’s hilarious.
I got charged an extra $60 on my phone bill from going over minutes. Figures. Now I have to limit the one good part of my day. I’m doing better I think, overall, with everything. I have a goal, my trip, and it’s a huge motivator for me. I’m planning and preparing, and keeping in mind a specific quote: “obstacles are those monumental things you notice when you take your eyes off your goal.”
Very true. The past couple days I’ve started doing design work, signed up for a new paid blogging site that should be approved Monday, and made plans to do some things for myself, like morning yoga and walking.
Of course, once I voice this GOAL to my family so they can help motivate me, I’m not encouraged. No, discouraged. My mom instantly pipes in, “Oh, well, if you’re going to be up early you should do X instead.” FUCK NO. F.U.C.K. N.O. Thanks for encouraging me. Thanks for letting me be self-motivated and treating me like I have a sense of independence. I can has my apartment 4 hours away nao plz?
Internet Updates
So, I’ve been looking through Wordpress themes, and I am VERY unimpressed with what other people produce. Lol. Barring Teresa’s work at scribblescratch, everything I have found is left so… Very… unfinished. I think I want to re-create a layout I made a while back. That’s right. An old one. One that GOT LOST when I didn’t save the style page. Seriously, I had made thousands of changes in that layout, and it wasn’t even up a few hours before it got ruined.
And yes, I miss it, so I’m bringing it back. Maybe. Unless I get too frustrated with doing so.
I’m also updating my portfolio website, which I don’t link to here so that the two don’t become associated. LOL! That’s a process of finding old design work to post screenshots over there. We’ll see how it goes. Bleh, right?
I’m also in the process of finding philosophy papers to post. Most of my papers are sucky though, so I don’t know how motivated I’ll be.
Hide-And-Go-Seek in the Dark
Summertime at home always reminds me of my favorite childhood memory: hide-and-go-seek in the dark. I usually played with the older kids, which was probably the best part. We’d set boundaries for hiding outside, which usually consisted of our yard, the next door neighbor’s yard, and the neighbors across the street. We’d ask other houses if we needed more room if we could hide there too.
I had the best tactics in this game, seriously. I’d hide in my neighbor’s tree, and then I had checkpoints to get back to base (our front porch) before anyone could spot me. With that hiding spot I NEVER got caught. I was thinking about it, and this would be a great game to play at night for us adults too. Maybe we could get a cool Night Vision Scope for the seeker.
At opticsplanet.com, you can find all kinds of night vision and tactical equipment for games like these. Not to mention tools for my second-favorite childhood night activity - STAR GAZING. I was almost an astrophysics major, so, you could definitely say I have an interest in astronomy. My astronomy class was a BLAST. I would love to get a good telescope, and living in such a remote location like I am, there is hardly any light pollution. Check out the site for anything optical, from sunglasses to binoculars to scopes, to even tripods! I’m going to go check out their metal detectors… I always wanted to do that as a kid too.
